Thanks for all your support

[Sandy L]

It is 5:30 AM and I finally had a clear enough mind to post today. Mike’s funeral was Sunday. I did him proud. I controlled my tears, comforted others as well as being conforted. Great Acting so that I could be strong for my children and my in-laws. They are all broken and so sad. MIL is 94 (pancreatic cancer) and FIL – 93(good physically but the mind is starting to go) He has fought with eveyone. Nothing of the funeral, the disease treatment, or the clothes that were worn were acceptable. He has so much anger and does not know how to release it. (I guess it is true that you take it out on those you love). Everyone is writing him off even my SIL ( his daughter) .
I ( the martyer) will endure and always come back for more.
I wish I knew why God takes Mike who wanted to live for many more years and leaves a 94 year old bitter man who’s sole purpose is to remain “number One”.

I was so proud of both my children. The eulogogies were beautiful. My daughter (who spoke to her Dad at least 5 times a daysaid that he would always be with her and would make sure that Grandpa Mikey be always remebered.
My son told everone that these last two weeks in the hospital were so special that the bond that they formed will stay with him forever. (Brian and I took turns in staying at the hospital) Mike was never alone. Brian would help shower him and encourage daily walks and insisted that he ate everything to keep up his strength. The nights he slept over they would rejoice at he 4 AM vital check when all was well and no temp YET.

I had many unanswered questions. I was not pleased with the staff doctor on call that night or the nurse assigned to Mike that night. Nice guys but not as sharp as I would have liked. There was no deceive action on what to do NOW. (IV fluids, Blood, Platlets, Ativan, Steroid) I did get the doctor on the phone at 11:00 am when I arrived. Mike’s fever was only 102 but antibiotics were not administrated yet. They were ordered but …
She cam running over from the clinic to take charge, and never left the room. We tried to keep him cool with compresses but the fever raged out of control. The antibiotics & steroids could not work fast enough, He developed pneumeia. They could not get enough air into his lungs, was in a lot of pain and since he discussed it wiht the doctor before they gave him some morphine. Very little (just to calm him) but it probably hastened his demise.

The funeral had over 150 people. My friends and family flew in from all over.We are still sitting shiver in my home and the house is filled from early morning to late at night. Food appears constantly. Jewish people like to eat and everything revolves around food.
I have a terrible sore throat and my glands are swollen as well. I have not slept in 4 days. I fall asleep quickly but two hours and I wake in a panic. Received some medicine yesterday (Dtrs office closed for Xmas) and he gave me Ativan to calm me down. It is working a little. I do not have the rapid heart beat but still 3 hours of sleep is my destiny. I hope that the medicine works soon. I am so tired – I hope that I am not rambling and that my spelling was accurate.

I know that Mike’s secondary AML was going to take his life, I just thought that we would be able to make it to transplant.
The doctor said he has lukemic cloning and because of the chromosome involvement a positive response to the therapy was not likely.

What I do want to add that maybe would have made a difference ( for a short time). We had no choice but Jackson Memorial Hospital in MIami for the induction chemotherapy. It was a better choice than the local hospitals. JMH has a Bone Marrow Transplant Center( but we were not going to go there – we were opting out of network to go to Sloan Kettering) JMH is not a Center of Excellence. It is trying to get accredited but not yet.
I was told that Mike would get a private room and he did, however it was far from a sterile enviroment. Induction Therapy is not administrated in a sterile enviroment. They bring your counts down to zero and when you do get an infection they treat it with no earth shattering rush. I did everying in my power to have the room as clean as possible. You would think that the staff would have avoided us since I was so demanding. I never insisted that they clean better – but that they left me the cleaning supplies so that I did it to my satisfaction. (I will say the room was spotless when we left)

Mike was a very nice person. He always had a smile and greeted people with a warm and welcome heart. He knew all the nurses and aides by their first names and they would come in just to chat even if they were not working on his floor that day. They would bring us tea and cookies in the evening and stay to see if he could finish the “suduko” of the day in record time.

I’m sorry that my friends on the forum did not know him. When you met him he made a lasting impression, and the next time he saw you he greeted you by your first name and you got a big bear hug when leaving.

I will not be on the site for the nect few weeks. I am leaving with my family on Friday so that we can finish up our “shiva” in NJ by my daughter’s house. Dec 31 is my grandson’s b-day and even thoug I cancelled my ticket when Mike went into the hospital, I decided to stay a week.

When I return I will be hiring someone to take care of my in-laws. It is necessary that she has someone there to oversea here meals and pill taking. The woman we hired now gave notice that she does not want to continue on. She is not able to tolerate my father-in-laws outbursts.
Looking into some grief counseling support groups for him, but transportation is an issue.

Everything is on hold till I get back from NJ.

Thank you everyone for all your support. The knowledge I obtained here was the reason we had 3 good quality years after Diagnosis.

[patti]

Sandy,

Thank you for sharing your heart with us. The sorrow is deep, isn’t it? And everyone handles sorrow so differently (ie. your FIL). Take care of yourself in the days ahead. The years you had with Mike are a testament to what it means to be committed to a marriage.

God Bless You,

Patti

[KWJ]

What a strong and amazing woman you are. I am so sorry that this horrible disease has come into your life and all of ours here at this site.

I was so hoping you and Mike would have a different outcome. It seems my Dad and Mike have similiar paths so I was hoping for sucess for one of them.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I seem to be praying a lot these days. Take care.

[katiebear]

You are a very strong woman, Sandy. My heart goes out to you. You and your family will remain in my prayers.

[Zoe]

May God bless you with peace during this difficult time. Praying for you.

Zoe

[Bkwits]

Sandy,

You are doing the right thing by bonding with your family during your time of sorrow. I believe that it helps everyone.

My siblings and I are also dealing with sick and aged parents. It is very frustrating and worrisome. Take care and may God give you some consolation and peace.
Barb

[sarah]

Take care of yourself Sandy.

[Terri]

Sandy my prayers continue,
God bless

[Harold]

Sandy, thank you for a powerful and loving note and your unselfish attitute. I often prayed for Mike and now I will continue to remember you. Please take some time for yourself. Harold

[Author]

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