My Dad has given up

[chewgie]

My dad was told he has MDS about 6 months ago. He started out with blood transfussions every 2 weeks, and procrit injections. He gradually got worse and about 2 months ago had 7 day chemo therapy, and another 7 day chemo therapy round about a month ago. He stopped eating around the 1st round of chemo, and has since been told that his blood count is really good, and if he would start eating he would probably feel much better. He refuses to eat, refuses anti-depressant, and will not see a mental health professional. He has a feeding tube now, but could still eat if he chooses. He does not choose to do so. He has given up. He has lost 50+ pounds and just came home from the hospital yesterday. I am at a loss as to how to help him. Has anyone else experienced this?

[patti]

I’m not sure I have much wisdom for you. It is difficult when our parents don’t want to take care of themselves. It really sounds like your dad is very depressed. But you already knew that. I guess all I can say is, I feel for you. This must be very difficult. Especially since the chemo seems to have worked. Maybe just gently keep trying to talk to him and maybe,just maybe, he’ll decide to eat again.

Hang in there,

patti

[sarah]

Sorry to hear your Dad is having a difficult time. What is his age and classification of MDS? I am not sure how to advise you on this, hope that he will fight, life is so precious. But I realize this is a very personal choice only he can make.

[Caroline]

I agree with what Patti and Sarah have to say.

I wonder if your Dad is trying to protect himself from his fears. I am sure that when he first found out about his illness it scared him terribly and when the Procrit and transfusions didn’t help, it frightened him all the more. Maybe he has convinced himself that he cannot go through the emotional turmoil of finding out that yet again, the past Chemo has not lasted for very long. Maybe he thinks that this past improvement in his condition is only temporary. When the Doctors tell us that a new drug or method may help us, we tend to think positively and assume that it will all go back to normal again. Then, when we relapse or even get worse, we crash emotionally. I know that everytime my parents get a green light, I convince myself that life will soon be back to normal again even though deep down inside I know differently.

Can you talk to him and tell him how you feel and that he is scaring you?

If you are a person who prays, that may help. I know that I will pray for him and for your family.

Does he have Grandchildren? If so,talk to him about how they are looking forward to spending Christmas with Grandpa and how it would be so good if he was strong and healthy for them…if not for himself. For that matter, perhaps you can tell him that YOU need him to be here for you too. I did that with my Mom in the summer when she decided that she did not want a life saving operation. She was just going to let herself die. I told her that I NEED her and PLEASE don’t leave me now….maybe later…but not now. Since then she has made a complete turnabout and waits daily until her operation date is set. Not everyone responds to this but it helped my Mom see that she still has everything to live for.

Good Luck. I will be waiting to hear that your Dad is eating again.

Caroline

[chewgie]

Thank you so much for your words of wisdom and encouragement. My daddy is 72 and has a grandaughter (my daughter) and 3 wonderful grandchildren. (2 boys and a girl) They all went to visit him as soon as he got home yesterday. He and my mom don’t have a very loving relationship, so home is not the most happy place for him. I am not alot of physical help due to a back injury about 9 months ago. I am not sure what type of MDS he has. I just don’t know how to help him, and I am afraid to ask him what he wants at this point. I don’t want him to think I want him to die, but I am afraid that is exactly what he is trying to do to himself. It’s just very painful to watch.

[Sad About Dad]

I am sorry your father has given. It is hard to watch. It was hard for me when my father refused treatment and had a 10/10 non related donor match.

I have just been diagnosed with nerve tumors and two of them are really close and pretty large and causing me a lot of pain and numbness. I have been through a CT Scan, a biopsy and tomorrow I go for my 3rd MRI and then off to surgery to have two of them removed so far 4 maybe 5 tumors. The biopsy was the most painful so far. And the MRI 2 and half hours they had to drug me. I thought I had high tolerance to pain. No way.

Now I know just a tiny bit of what my father went through and every time I have to do any thing for these d*** tumors I cry for my father and what he went through. What he went through was a hundred times worse than anything that I am enduring.

Just give your father love and be there for him is all you can do. Unless your in the situation you have no idea what is playing in his mind or how he feels.

I am sorry about your father it painful I know. I cry everyday for my father and I wish he was here.

[Caroline]

Chewgie,

In person I am very shy and don’t say much. I am much better at writing my feelings down on paper. Have you thought about maybe giving your Dad an Encouragement Card and inside let him know how much you love him and how much you and your family wish that he could find his way back to you? Perhaps no words need to be exchanged. If he still wants to continue down the path he has chosen, at least he will know how you feel and you will have the peace of knowing that you told him how much you want him to try to live. I don’t profess to be a professional in this field, but this way of communicating my feelings got through to my Mom. Just be there for your Dad and keep loving him no matter what his choice may be.

Sad for Dad…I am sorry for what you had to go through with your Dad. I am also sorry for your current pain. Some things that we have to endure are just so hard to justify. I hope for your recovery.

Caroline

[Marsha]

Chewgie,

Does your Cancer Clinic have a social worker, that could get some insight into what your father is feeling right now. I had one at the clinic and also at the hospital for my BMT, this was standard procedure for the clinic and hospital I have. They have both helped me and my family with not only support but Ins. questions and setting up procedures at home when I had to have IV treatments etc. at home. They often times just came into the exam room to talk before I saw the doctor. It may be hard for your father at first to open up, but S W have ways of getting you to voice your concerns without you really knowing it. My thoughts and prayers are with your father, and you and the rest of your family. I hope you are given the answers to strengthen you. God Bless,

Marsha

[Marsha]

Chewgie,

Does your Cancer Clinic have a social worker, that could get some insight into what your father is feeling right now. I had one at the clinic and also at the hospital for my BMT, this was standard procedure for the clinic and hospital I have. They have both helped me and my family with not only support but Ins. questions and setting up procedures at home when I had to have IV treatments etc. at home. They often times just came into the exam room to talk before I saw the doctor. It may be hard for your father at first to open up, but S W have ways of getting you to voice your concerns without you really knowing it. My thoughts and prayers are with your father, and you and the rest of your family. I hope you are given the answers to strengthen you. God Bless,

Marsha

[Terri]

I can only offer you my support, only your dad knows what he wants and is going through. This is so hard on the patients and families. I wish there was a fast cure. Will add your family to my prayers and I hope your Dad might find the will to keep on with life.
God Bless

[diner]

Chewgie, My husband could surely relate to what you are going through with your dad. Six years ago after my stem cells transplant I just kept going downhill. I was in the hospital so much with infections, pneumonia, etc. I had gone from 120 lbs. to 74 lbs.and the doctor couldn’t help me because I wouldn’t help myself. I am normally a very happy, upbeat person but this just wasn’t me. I believe so many people praying for me is what caused me to start on the road to recovery. Having a wonderful husband helped and those sweet grandkids. My doctor says I’m a walking miracle. I think what really got through to me was how much I loved my family and I didn’t want them to hurt anymore. I will pray for your family and your dad. Dee

[chewgie]

Thank you all soooooo much for your kind words, thought and especially your prayers!!
Daddy went to the Dr. yesterday, and he is in remission!! Sadly though he doesn’t care. His doctor talked to he and my mom a long time about his eating problem, and more importantly his depression. My dad insist that he is not depressed, and became angry at the Dr. and my mom. Mom is making sure he takes the anti-depressant that has been prescribed, and our hope for now is that after a few weeks he will feel better and be able to listen to our concerns. For now we are being told that he will get the nourishment he needs through his feeding tube. He’s very weak and needs the aid of a walker to get around. This man is so different than the hard working man I knew just 6 months ago. I guess that’s exactly what he’s thinking and feeling too. Thanks again, Robin

[Caroline]

Robin,

REMISSION !!! Such a great word. One day at a time. Maybe soon you will be able to reach your Dad again and get through to him.

I know what you mean about that strong man becoming as weak as a kitten. I am noticing that with my own Dad lately. Today at our Oncology appointment they weighed him and he has dropped another 3 pounds in 3 weeks even though he is feeling much better since he started Eprex and his hemoglobin even climbed 3 points. He is becoming forgetful and isn’t feisty like he used to be. He even lets me do all the driving when we go to visits…which at one time was absolutely forbidden for him to be driven around by anyone. That was HIS job. He used to be very active and now he doesn’t even go for his walks for his bad heart anymore. This week he gave up bowling altogether. Bowling was the last activity that he has been doing. He claims that he is just too tired to do anything. I get very upset hearing these things but I have to keep it inside and keep smiling so that I don’t make him feel badly. If I try to look at everything clinically, I can remain calm and composed and put everything in place. When I let the daughter part of me out…she falls apart.

Keep us posted, Robin. I’ll be thinking about you.

Caroline

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