Stuff From Our Naturopath

[Caroline]

Hi,

I am glad that you had the chance to get away and catch your breath for awhile Margaret. You will be of alot more value to Luke if you are at peace.

Sometimes I feel like I am inside a bubble of morbidity. I can’t tell any of my so-called friends how I feel or what is going on because they are all in their 40’s, living fun lives, looking ahead to things, and make it perfectly clear that I am ‘bringing them down’. Maybe I am different from alot of children by caring so much about my folks. I WANT to talk about them. They won’t be here forever to talk about. Peter and I don’t get invited anywhere with friends anymore. People even overlook us in church. I suppose they know that they should ask how my Dad and Mom are feeling but they don’t want me to answer and ‘ruin their day.’ I have been to church twice in the past 9 months. Peter won’t even go there anymore. One would think that people would wonder why regular parishioners have missed 9 months of church and would perhaps ASK?!?!?! I always ask people how their loved ones are feeling if I know that there is some kind of a problem. I suppose I am a young person trapped in an old-fashioned body. Some days I feel like gone are the days when people used to genuinely care. I was raised to care about other people before I care about myself.

Esme, you are not showing off Hans’ illness. You are sharing it with people who SHOULD care. Your sister will probably be the one shouting loudest if something happens to a member of her family. Usually the critics are the biggest complainers when push comes to shove. And you know what Esme? YOU will probably be there for her when she needs someone even though she has stabbed you in the back. Sensitive people are like that. I am one of them. My parents’ friends have pretty well shunned them since they both got so sick. They were in a large social group who do alot of fun things together. Dad and Mom can’t participate much anymore and they have been told that they have insulated themselves too much and they should stop ignoring thier friends. WHAT THE HECK?!?! Dad can’t take 2 steps without having so sit down. He sleeps away most of the day. He has urine accidents all the time. Do his friends come to visit him? NO !!! Did he always go and visit his friends when they were ill? YES !!!

I have NO escape from my pain and fears. I am the prime caregiver for 2 terminally ill parents and I have my own house to run 3 blocks away. I have THREE TEENAGERS !!! That in itself is cause for upset on a daily basis. My ulcers act up 24/7 now. I sleep perhaps 3-4 hours a night and can’t hold food down anymore. The stress is unbelievable. The ONLY time that I feel any sense of peace is when I go to the barn to see our horse. My girls ride so I go along as often as I can get away. The farm is enormous so I can be alone in the great wilderness with God. Tonight I walked way out into the dark fields and enjoyed the sound of the wind which was so strong that I nearly blew away. I knew I had gotten lost in my thoughts and had strayed too far away from the barn when I heard wild dogs howling…far too close. I turned and RAN. It seems kind of funny now…but not 2 hours ago. Now I feel invigorated and ready to face tomorrow. I am even pain free. It goes to show that a little diversion can make a big difference.

Have babbled long enough….

Caroline

[Ensnee]

Margaret, I thought you had been to my journal —
didn’t you mention that in an email? Anyway, it’s http://www.caringbridge.org/me/esme

I know that link sounds VERY egocentric! It’s just that the choices they gave for building the address made it easy for me to remember it. The “me” was just in a list of two letter choices.

You do have a wicked sense of humour, Margaret! Makes me really laugh. I tell you what — I’m going to be in the city almost every day since Hans is being admitted tomorrow for his next round of chemo at PMH. Perhaps we could meet for a chat & a coffee one day. I promise — no illness talk! I’m sick of it, too.

Caroline, you are a darling daughter. I can completely understand your desire to be with your parents and help them, AND talk about them.
And three teenagers! No wonder you’re exhausted.
I only have one. I helped my parents out as much as I could when my dad was sick. He died just about 7 years ago. Now my mother is aging rapidly, has Alzheimer’s and a very bad hip. My dear sister rarely does anything with her, and has only just taken her to a couple of appts because I couldn’t — had to go to the hopsital for appts with Hans. I consider my mother my friend, although now she’s more like my child. I’m no angel — I get impatient and exasperated with her. She hates having to depend on her children, and I keep telling her that the only one of us who resents helping her is my sister, and since she rarely sees her — she should stop fretting about it, and enjoy our company and help.

Caroline,I find it especially upsetting that you and your parents are (or were) part of a church community, and everyone is now avoiding you! I’m not religious, but I don’t think you have to be religious to be humane & giving. The hypocrisy of those people so angers me. As for my sis, I’ve often pondered how I would act if she got sick, or I got sick, and needed a stem cell donor. I don’t think I would even ask her if I needed one. I really don’t. I would be tempted to turn her down if she had to ask me, I really would, but in the end I would do it. But I just find her so contemptible!I guess she hasn’t noticed that the journal has almost 6000 hits on it, nor has she read all the messages people have left.

Well, thank goodness there are people like us in the world, eh? I hardly have time to think right now about who will be around to help me if I need it in the future. I’m just glad that both of you, Margaret & Caroline, feel refreshed tonight. That’s a very good thing!

hugs,
Esme

[Caroline]

Esme.

I WAS pain-free. Child #2, 19 years of age just came home and we had a ‘conversation’ regarding one of his friends. Pain is alive and well and back in full force. hehe I was beginning to miss it…..Why is it that they know all of the buttons to push at 11pm on a Sunday night?

Good Night.
Caroline

[Caroline]

Esme,

I looked at your journal. You have alot of support. You are German by the look of it. We are from Oesterreich, Graz. I read some of the entries from people. I was able to read and understand most of the German after not using the language much for so many years. I was born here but I went to German school EVERY Saturday for 8 years.

I’m sorry that you lost your Dad to Cancer and now your Mom has Alzheimers. Such an unforgiving disease !!! You are a strong lady.

Caroline

[Author]

Posts